


Where We Once Were

by tbvwritings



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, disbandment au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24214747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbvwritings/pseuds/tbvwritings
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kim Yerim | Yeri, Bae Joohyun | Irene/Park Sooyoung | Joy, Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy, Kang Seulgi/Kim Yerim | Yeri, Kang Seulgi/Park Sooyoung | Joy, Kang Seulgi/Son Seungwan | Wendy, Kim Yerim | Yeri/Park Sooyoung | Joy, Kim Yerim | Yeri/Son Seungwan | Wendy, Park Sooyoung | Joy/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 11
Kudos: 74





	1. Disconnect

**July 7th, 2021. 10:05 AM. Seoul.**

The cold office building is one that everyone seated within it should be used to by now. However, the coldness doesn’t just stem from the uncomfortable leather seats or a window being left open from the previous meeting. Instead, it’s because the last few meetings have created an atmosphere that is indescribable. Tension looms over everybody and none of which will budge on their own individual stance or demands.

Even outside of this relatively small office, the dorm has felt bleak and lacking any form of life. Despite everyone being present at all times, there has been no sound besides shuffling from one room to the next. The usually easy-going relationship between all five girls instead being replaced with dread.

“So, let’s make this clear for anyone who could not keep up.” A company executive standing in the room's corner breaks the silence first. “You’re demanding more overseas promotions, more creative control, one of you wants to retire and the other two can’t agree on whether you want more or less solo schedules. Is that right?”

Every pair of eyes shuffle to one another quickly as the executive awaits an answer. The subconscious of everyone screaming that none of what has been demanded will end positively, especially since one member wishes to retire completely, no one except the person who requested it aware of who it is.

Finally, Irene takes it upon herself to answer for her members as she has grown used to doing being their trusted leader.

“Yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying.” Her voice hoarse from the schedule the day before as a guest MC.

The executive fidgets with his tie, he too is nervous, before releasing a deep sigh, preparing himself to deliver the final blow.

“The company does not believe that Red Velvet needs more overseas promotion for fans outside of Korea to purchase your music and merchandise as they do so regardless of schedules in their respective countries. Creative control was denied even quicker as we do not trust your abilities to produce or write at least one song from every future release as you asked. The argument of solo schedules is one that you must settle amongst yourselves, we can’t stop brands from requesting any of you to appear alone.” He breathes out yet another sigh before addressing the easiest issue. “Irene, the company will let you leave on good terms if retirement is really what you want. You’ve been an excellent representative of SM Entertainment and it will be sad to see you leave, but we respect your wishes.”

The four other members of Red Velvet all turn in their seats to face Irene. Whilst the issues have always been known to each other about what is stopping each of them from re-signing their contract, the demands were issued anonymously and everyone had swiftly denied they wanted to retire, including Irene, for the last few weeks whilst negotiations were ongoing.

“It was you?” Seulgi whispers, barely audible with a deep sadness in her eyes. “Why?”

For everyone other than Irene, who has been secretly awaiting this decision to be revealed, it feels like the weight of the world has just landed upon their chests and an escape from the crushing feeling is not available.

A cold stare at the wall in front of her is all Irene offers in response; unable to look at any of her fellow members in the eyes. The pain of saying goodbye to the group she’s nurtured and cherished for the last seven years already unbearable without their judgment. However, the prospect of spending more time with her family and leading a civilian life outweighs her desire to continue in the music industry and re-sign her contract.

“It doesn’t matter. If Irene still wants to leave, the company will allow you to move forward as four.” The executive chips in, likely hoping it eases some worries, instead, making them twenty times worse.

Irene rises from her seat slowly and heads towards the door of the office. Before she exits, a quick look over her shoulder and mumbled apology is all she can offer without the tears threatening to spill from her eyes streaming down her face.

A few moments of silence allow everyone to process that their leader has now left and none of them could stop it from happening. The color drains from each of their faces at how quickly the company has allowed Irene to leave. Two minds inside the room are made up because of this already, though only one voice says it.

“I don’t think any of us wish to continue as four but my demands remain the same even if we do. I want us to have control over our music, I’m tired of us being looked at as a lesser group compared to others because we aren’t allowed to produce or write for ourselves.” Yeri’s voice disturbs everyone from their thoughts on how things will be without Irene around.

“We just can’t do it, Yeri. I’m sorry.”

The quiet has become common with only a fan for background noise disturbing what would appear to anyone on the outside to be a peaceful environment; the truth being far from that.

At the very start of negotiations, everyone had appeared willing to re-sign and get things over and done with. A meeting in the living area was set up to air any changes to their contracts that everyone may want to discuss and nobody said anything. It was quite a shock for everyone the following week to find out that five different demands had been requested for review.

“Who asked for more solo projects?” Seulgi asks, expression confused and pained. Wendy and Yeri both shift towards the final seat in the room, forcing an answer out of Joy without her verbalizing anything. “Why do you want to work without us?”

“It’s not that I want to work without you, Seulgi. We all have our own brand, our own image. I want to continue to build mine for when Red Velvet is no more. Now it looks like we aren’t, I made the right choice to accept my solo schedules.”

“How can you be so selfish? Nothing is final here, we can get Irene back and-”

“No, Seulgi. This is over. They aren’t willing to budge on anything we’re asking for.” Wendy interrupts.

Both Seulgi and Yeri sigh in unison, possibly the last time the two will ever need to be in synchronization with one another.

“So, you wanted more overseas schedules?” Seulgi beckons her question towards Wendy, however, she doesn’t offer a response. “I don’t understand, we’re supposed to be a family here. Am I the only one who remembers that?”

“No, you aren’t. But my family isn't here Seulgi. My real family. I want to see them more than once a year if I get the chance to do so, which sometimes I don’t.” Wendy finally speaks. “I understand you’re upset but we all want different things now, maybe it’s time to move on.”

Seulgi’s jaw drops agape at Wendy’s final words. Never would any of them have predicted that things would come to this, but it’s true what they say, you never know what your future holds.

“Fine, you know what. I don’t need this. Enjoy your solo schedules, Joy. Have fun back in Canada.” Seulgi pauses as she faces Yeri, whose eyes are a deep red from the slow tears strolling down her cheeks. “Good luck with whatever you end up doing, kid. I mean that one.”

The door to the office slams shut as the force of it closing threatens to crack the frame holding it in place. The glasses of water placed before every seat vibrates as if an earthquake were impending.

“You both know that she’s sensitive, you could have thought about how she’d be feeling after Irene left. None of what you’ve just done was necessary.” Yeri swiftly tries to follow Seulgi out of the room and building, ultimately to no avail as she disappeared into thin air.

“Thank you for coming, I guess.” The executive quips sarcastically, which is greeted with two pairs of eyes rolling.

Both Wendy and Joy leave quieter than the previous two. The executive shuffles towards his laptop and prepares the statement that will need to be released to make their decision final. Red Velvet shall be no more as of August 1, 2021, exactly seven years after their official debut.

“I guess this is it. We’re going to disband.” Wendy croaks out as she walks side by side with Joy down the long corridor.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Both girls continue ahead together until they reach the elevator. The ride down to the ground floor is not the only thing making their stomachs churn with anxiety. All five of them knew going into this meeting that the outcome would be a difficult one to take in but none would have guessed they’d be leaving today with their group left in tatters.

The statement about their disbandment finally revealed on July 29 stating that all members amicably called it a day and that Irene has retired from the entertainment industry.

For the next few days, furniture and personal items begin to slowly vacate the dorm. No one says anything to one another. Irene is the first to leave. A hand-written note left behind for everyone explaining her decision is the only proof left that she ever lived there with them.

Yeri moved back home with her parents, no longer having the people she considered her sisters around her and on good terms being too much to deal with. She left the company behind her, no longer willing to put up with the lack of creative freedom.

Joy bought herself an apartment in the middle of Seoul for herself and Haetnim. She too left the company behind her to sign with an acting agency.

Seulgi decided she wanted to stay with the company despite everything but hid in her own room whilst everyone else left theirs, unwilling to watch the people she considered family leave her behind.

Wendy stayed until the company practically forced her out of the door since she decided not to re-sign too. Initially only staying at the dorm hoping to change Seulgi’s mind on cutting ties with everyone. All of her attempts being ignored.

All five girls saw fans struggle to understand or make sense of how one of the closest groups could possibly decide to split up. All five hearts broken along with everyone upset by the news.

Things will never be the same for any of them after this.


	2. Iris

**May 4th, 2022. 12:31 PM. Daegu.**

The sweet smell of freshly cut grass and blooming flowers fill Joohyun’s nose as she breathes in the fresh air around her. The gentle reminders of her home have become a welcomed presence in the new life that began the day she stepped away from her position within Red Velvet. Every day surrounded by the wonderful nature haven she’s created for herself distracts her from thoughts of doubt or regret.

Most days are spent like this, tending to her little garden lined with the most beautiful flowers and their aromas. It’s not per se the civilian life she intended to have, but it’s the one she’s grateful for. People often recognize her, though, they refuse to speak and hurry along quickly once they realize that she knows they know who she is. No one asks questions despite them being on the tip of their tongue. The first few months were the worst, the staring being too intense and overwhelming. However, people have grown to respect her boundaries a little more as time has gone on. Now when they look, it’s a quick glance.

After the disbandment, many people wondered why Irene had retired. Was it the pressure of the industry? Did she simply feel her time had ended? None of the theories being correct in that Joohyun wanted to feel like a normal human being once again and the way to do that was to say goodbye to being Irene.

Her parents supported the decision to leave and move back to her hometown in a house close by their own. Their own days are a little brighter now that they’ve got her back with them to enjoy their days together instead of apart. Everything feels right, almost too comfortable.

The ground has been hard from the dry weather lately. The watering can suffocating from her tight grip offering the only relief for the Irises she and her mother recently planted. The purple hues they will offer by the time Autumn comes around is something Joohyun has been looking forward to since the day they found the bulbs at a small gardening market stall.

“Those look pretty” A soft voice from beyond the gate speaks. Irene whips around to be greeted with the face of a stranger. “The flowers, that is. Although, you too Ire- I mean, Joohyun.” The man noticing her shift in expression at the use of her former stage name quickly decides upon using her birth name instead.

A crooked smile that would be unsettling if it weren’t for his eyes creasing in the corners along with it. Ruffled brown hair that’s too long for the soon to be summer weather that’s fast approaching. A suit covers his frame, though, a size too large for his small body. His nose is a little small for his face. Overall, he doesn’t appear threatening but his presence is confusing. Joohyun never has visitors.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Joohyun questions after the man offers no explanation himself.

“No, sorry. I realize now that this is weird, I should go.” The strange man turns his body back toward the gate he’d only put one foot through, ready to leave faster than he arrived. His awkward stance almost garners a laugh from Joohyun if it weren’t for her still being kept in the dark about who exactly this man is.

“Please, who are you?”

The man stops dead in his tracks, contemplating whether to continue the conversation after such a bizarre first introduction to one another. A blush spreads deeply across his face once he turns back to face Joohyun, embarrassed by his own actions.

“Sorry. My name is Seo Dongchul.” Both Joohyun and Dongchul continue to gawk at each other for a few seconds until he finally realizes she doesn’t recognize his name or face. “I’m a screenplay writer. I thought you might have known who I am, that was stupid of me, I apologize again.”

Joohyun’s eyes wander over the man once more, unsure of whether this person is who they say they are and the reason they’re moving to sit on the bench in her garden.

“One of my shows is about to be green-lit for production, it will be a big deal if we can get the budget we’re looking for.” Once again the man pauses awaiting Joohyun to telepathically piece his puzzling words together. “I’m here to offer you the main role.”

A hearty cackle is Joohyun’s immediate response to his ridiculous offer. Not only is she retired, but she’s not ready for the main role in a drama as big as this man is proclaiming it will be.

“I’m serious. I’ve written the main character based on you playing her. I’ve always been such a huge fan of you, Irene… Um, I mean, Joohyun.” The laughing suddenly stops as Joohyun notices how serious he is and that she isn’t being pranked. “I think you’re perfect for it and what better way to get you back out there in the spotlight. People seriously miss you.”

Memories of old cloud Joohyun’s mind. The years of training unsure of whether a debut would ever happen or if she’d be selected for whatever group would be put together. Finally getting to perform on stage for the first time only to receive backlash. Bringing Yeri into the group and having to protect her for years due to people’s harsh words. Forming a sub-unit with Seulgi that meant more to the two of them than either could ever explain. The sense of pride for Joy when she got her first deal to appear in a drama and watching it religiously at the dorm to support her. The privilege of listening to Wendy’s incredible voice whenever she wanted to do so.

The very world she became a part of is difficult to navigate. More times than enough it has caused her a great deal of sadness or disappointment. But, those highs of hearing people scream your name can drown out every worry within anyone’s body if they truly drink it all in and allow it to consume them. The adrenaline is an unmatched high, but the hate that comes along with it is a deep and dark low.

Perhaps Joohyun had been suppressing this feeling of missing her members and fans. Perhaps, she had begun to hyper fixate on the small land before her in hopes it would help her forget that deep down inside, she’s still to this day unsure if she truly made the right decision. Perhaps this is a sign or at the least her chance at a second turn. Or, perhaps this is all too good to be true and will only prove that escaping the idol life was the correct thing to do.

Acting had always been an interest of Joohyun’s since she debuted. However, any opportunity she was offered was declined by the company or she didn’t think she could connect with it properly. This role, if she were to consider it which she surprisingly even to herself is despite knowing nothing about it would have to be perfect for her to even think about giving up the normality bubble she’s become so attached to here.

“We’re hoping to have production up and running by October, but I’d need your answer by the end of June at the latest so we can schedule screen tests, wardrobe fittings, and the works.” Dongchul rummages through a backpack he removes from his back, pulling out a large folder. “Here’s the script. I’ve highlighted your character’s parts and wrote up a description in the front to help you get a feeling for what she’s all about. Just give it a read, that’s all I’m asking for.”

The man stands and places his backpack over one of his shoulders and lets himself out of Joohyun’s garden. A slight breeze hits her face and ruffles the sheets of paper firmly gripped in her hand. What an odd little man, she thinks. Yet, despite how confusing this entire thing was, she can’t help but wonder one thing.

Quickly striding towards the gate that Dongchul just exited, it takes a few seconds for her eyes to find him amongst the people enjoying a walk in the sunshine. However, his slumped shoulders inside the too-large suit are a clear giveaway. She runs towards him as quickly as possible, shouting after him before he vanishes.

“Hey wait, how did you find out where I was?”

Dongchul turns back towards Joohyun, noticing she’s still gripping his script, giving him a sense of hope.

“Let’s just say we have a mutual friend,” he hesitates on whether to reveal their name out of fear it will be a negative reminder for Joohyun. Then she’d never consider taking on the role. “They told me where I could find your parents, I headed that way when I spotted you with your flowers.”

A mutual friend, that could be anyone. Many idols transition into the acting world and any of them could have let slip that her parents live in Daegu, however, there’s only four who would know the exact address and only one of those has ties to acting. Rather than guess, she gets him to confirm her thoughts, anyway.

“Who was it?”

A sad expression takes over his features before finally offering an answer.

“Joy.”


	3. Blame

**June 2nd, 2022. 14:32 PM. Busan.**

“That’s a wrap everyone, thank you!”

The booming voice of the director echoing throughout the set. Lighting rigs are taken down by the many production staff on hand. The few extras needed to walk in the shot background shuffle out of sight without speaking a word, grateful for the opportunity to be working, and not willing to do anything to risk their position here. You can see the hunger for more in all of their eyes and the envy they feel towards those with speaking roles. None of them have caused trouble, something the former male lead should learn from.

The first few weeks here had been tortuous but finally, Joy has completed the filming of her first acting job since the split of Red Velvet, without murdering the god-awful co-star initially hired which is an accomplishment in itself. The role of a mistress seeking revenge against the man who murdered her father just seemed too good to pass up on. However, had she known it would come with dealing with by far the most pretentious man to exist, she might have thought twice.

The first few days it was plain sailing. Everyone just got on with their jobs and kept things moving along. But then, trailers needed to be made bigger and fine foods had to be stocked inside every day. The final straw being a request for an assistant solely to hold water bottles close by the actor. To say Joy was annoyed would be an understatement. So, she confronted the man for his poor behavior and put him in his place. Respect should be earned not just given, and this man had earned zero.

After being showed up in front of everyone, things spiraled quickly into ruining scenes on purpose just to make shoots run late or purposefully blocking the camera with his body during close-ups. Eventually, the director settled on replacing him with another actor, far better both in the talent and attitude department. The firing caused a setback in the schedule, but luckily everyone worked twice as hard to finish within the allotted time-frame.

To finally be rid of this experience feels like a breath of fresh air. Not that she didn’t enjoy portraying what most would deem the “bad” character for a change, it just became difficult to do so when a real-life villain was haunting the production.

“Hey, the director has arranged a wrap party, are you going?”

Eunseo, a petite woman in charge of the third camera who everyday likes to inform Joy she owns all of Red Velvet’s albums asks. Her toothy grin is remarkably unpleasant as the question escapes her mouth. However, Joy has gotten used to her overexcitement over the small pleasures in life.

“Sure, I just need to grab my things from the trailer and I’ll get my manager to drive me straight there.” A lie. A very obvious yet unnoticed lie.

“Great, I’ll see you there.” Eunseo latches her arms firmly around Joy’s neck, although, she barely reaches because of her lack of height.

Joy quickly squirms her way out of the smaller woman’s arms and gives only a smile in response before scurrying away to her trailer, not daring to allow her a second chance at grappling her neck.

Unlocking her phone as she gets closer to the spacious trailer she’s spent the last few months getting used to, a few notifications appear about her upcoming drama, which she subscribed to the alerts for. If the former male lead tries to tarnish her name despite his own actions being the issue, she wants her team to be on the case of fixing it immediately. A few missed calls from her sister and mom, likely wondering how long they need to keep babysitting Haetnim whilst she’s out of Seoul. But finally, some texts from an unknown number that she deletes without reading. If it’s anyone or anything important, they’ll contact her manager.

Getting closer to the trailer, the door appears to be slightly ajar. Joy stops in her tracks, trying to think back to whether or not she locked it before heading to the set. She’s certain she did, however, with the excitement of the final day looming over her, she thinks it’s possible this slipped her mind.

Not willing to risk a masked assailant, however, she shouts inside first to see if anyone responds.

“Hello, is anyone there?”

Silence is all that follows. Not trusting this, she asks again in a more threatening tone.

“Hello? I’m calling the police if you don’t come out!”

A small chuckle is all that can be heard, but there’s no one in sight. Fed up with the not knowing, Joy steps inside of her trailer attempting to use her phone like some kind of weapon. The last person she ever imagined being sat inside of her trailer, however, is there in all of her glory as made-up and ready for the runway as ever, despite her “normal” life now.

“Irene?” She asks, as if unsure of whether the older woman before her is real or just a figment of her imagination.

“Joohyun. It’s Joohyun now.” Adjusting her shirt as she speaks, Joy can tell that she’s nervous to be here, with her, for the first time since the day they parted as members. “Nice trailer, I can see you… decorated.”

There’s clothing thrown on the floor with little to no care, a reminder of their days in the dorm, everyone making a mess, and no one in the mood to clean up after themselves. However, if Joy had known that Joohyun was dropping by, she’d have attempted to at least make it slightly presentable. She does still mean a lot to Joy after all.

“Um… What are you doing here?” The bluntness to Joy’s tone being something she didn’t mean to let out, however, her voice naturally shows that she too is on edge.

The pair look at each other for a few seconds before Joohyun stands and attempts to leave. However, Joy places her arm up onto the door frame to block her path before she can whisk back out of her life as fast as she has re-entered it.

“This was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry.” Sadness drips off every word Joohyun speaks, her eyes averting to the ground.

“Come on, sit back down. I’ll make us a drink and you can tell me all about it.”

Joohyun desperately wants to escape, but Joy has always had a way of roping her into things she’s not so sure of. So, she sits. They do drink, something that is far too stiff for both of them to handle, however, it helps the words flow from Joohyun’s mouth and Joy’s ears do a lot more listening than they’re used to nowadays.

She tells Joy all about the offer from Dongchul and how she’s considering stepping into the acting world, about her garden that has become a haven where she can let all of her thoughts out and about how her parents’ smiles have become the thing that makes her heart feel alive now.

Joy has always found Joohyun beautiful, so has anyone lucky enough to lay their eyes on her, however, seeing her happy like this makes her feel that her own actions regarding their group splitting are justified if Joohyun is enjoying her new life this much. Joy desperately hopes to feel the same way one day about her own.

“How about you? Do you keep up with the others?” Joohyun asks and breaks Joy from her own inner monologue of life. “How are they all?”

Joy hesitates in answering Joohyun’s innocent question. She knows that her former leader is not trying to stir up any negative feelings by asking about the others, yet, sadness is all Joy can feel when she thinks about the state the group has erupted into.

“I don’t speak to Seulgi, she stopped speaking to me that day,” A frown replaces Joohyun’s smile from seconds ago at this. “Yeri and I hang out sometimes, she’s just as busy as I am. We make sure to check in with each other when we can.”

“That’s good, you two were always close. Annoying, but close.” Joohyun adds, “What about Wendy, do you see her still?”

Confusion etches across Joy’s face, granted Joohyun is yet to reveal whether she has kept in touch with anyone, she figured that she would have at least saw the news on the internet or television.

“Well that would be difficult, given that she’s in America now, did you not know?”

Joohyun almost chokes on her drink at Joy’s words. America? Why would she move there? Why did no one tell her?

“No, when did she move?”

“She left about two months after the split.” If Joohyun thinks this is the only bombshell awaiting her about her former members, Joy has yet another shock in store for her. “So, you don’t know about the singles clash then, I guess?”

Placing her drink down onto the table, Joohyun shifts her body closer towards Joy’s, unsure of what she’s talking about.

“Singles clash? No?”

A deep sigh leaves Joy’s body. Having to deal with her awful co-worker had also been made more difficult by the decisions made by two of her former members. Interviewers desperately wanting her to comment on what ended up being a situation blown out of proportion, but nonetheless, a stressful one to deal with. Fake smiles were plastered on and rumors of a feud swiftly denied by both her and Yeri on behalf of Seulgi and Wendy.

“Seulgi got to debut solo two months ago, SM did their first thing right in years and went all out for her, the whole works,” Joy can see Joohyun’s mental cogs shifting trying to figure out where an issue comes into play here. “But Wendy released her first solo song in the US at midnight, an hour before Seulgi’s showcase here.”

Suddenly, everything makes sense. But, surely this was all coincidental? Joohyun thinks but doesn’t verbalize as Joy is in before she can.

“Wendy insists that she had no idea Seulgi’s debut was that day but, I don’t know. It turned into a messy situation and fans didn’t know which to support. Seulgi still topped the charts but it can’t have felt good to have her thunder stolen from someone who was once her friend. She already blames us for the disbandment, this just added fuel to the fire.”

Joy’s hand’s motion between the two of them as she speaks.

“She blames me?” Joohyun asks softly.

Joy pauses and recalls that Joohyun missed the blow-up from Seulgi in the office that day having left before it happened. She decides it’s best to stick the knife all the way in and tell Joohyun everything instead of trying to spare her with a lie.

“Except for Yeri, she blames all of us.”


	4. Tipsy

**April 2nd, 2022. 22:31 PM. Seoul.**

Apart from being aesthetically pleasing for photography, high-rise balconies with nothing but the night sky and light breeze for the company have always been a place of peace for Yeri. Somewhere to gather all of her thoughts and contemplate her next move, whatever that may be. Several times throughout her career, she’s stood atop a balcony, looked out over the landscape surrounding her, and tried to put everything around her into perspective. The view alone is a big part of why she bought this apartment for herself after it became clear she couldn’t stay with her parents any longer. That and it’s close to the studio where most of her time is spent nowadays.

The wine glass placed on the table beside her has been empty for the past hour, not that it matters. The bitter taste still lingers heavily on her lips as if she’d only just gulped it down. An empty bottle sits discarded on the kitchen counter of her apartment. As of late, those bottles have been piling up more and more to where her mother has grown concerned with the amount of alcohol she’s been consuming whenever she calls over to check on her. However, if it helps with getting a good night’s rest and blocks out the lingering thoughts of self-doubt that threaten to turn her into an insomniac, that’s all that matters.

Falling asleep as the sun rises used to be perfectly fine when there were several managers around and people to make sure she was on-time to different events no matter what. But, she no longer has that luxury with just one manager who barely even checks in with her anymore. A lot has changed in the last few months since the split of Red Velvet, and yet, Yeri still feels like compared to her other former members, she has achieved nothing at all. 

Joohyun has turned herself into a Mother Teresa type for plants the last she heard and is enjoying the simple life. Joy is acting again and appearing on billboards throughout the city for some cosmetic brand that is likely paying her way too much. Wendy has begun the process of kick-starting her career in America, which will no doubt end up being a success. Seulgi, well, she’s probably the only one of the group who truly understands how lost Yeri feels, but even she is preparing to debut solo. 

Whilst everyone moves forward, she can’t help but feel stuck in place. Despite the leap outside of her comfort zone after leaving SM, the creative freedom she so desperately was seeking for years is not the kind she assumed she’d have once becoming a producer and songwriter for an exciting independent label. 

“The artists don’t believe a former girl-group member with such little experience can give them the hit song their career desperately needs.” The words float through her mind once more. A constant alarm within her that triggers a deep sense of hopelessness whenever they appear in her thoughts.

A harsher breeze blows her flowing hair across her face, blocking her from pondering on the darkness inside of her head for too long. Probably for the best. It never ends well when she lets her insecurities get the better of her. The cold air sends a shiver down her spine and threatens to infiltrate her body with the flu if she doesn’t step back into the warmth of her home soon, which she does immediately. 

Like usual, her hands drift back to the empty wine bottle, sullen to find the contents missing but mentally refusing to believe that she is the one who has consumed it entirely. Light background noise stemming from the television is the only sound audible once the doors to the balcony are closed. A re-run of a drama that Yeri has tried to binge-watch three times now, every time her intoxicated brain has prevented her from picking up on the storyline. 

Her back pocket on her jeans holding her phone which is vibrating through the material. Someone is calling. Twisting her arm to grab it, her fingers almost lose their grip and drop the device which would no doubt have smashed it against the hard flooring. However, she catches it before disaster strikes and answers the call all in one motion.

Had she gotten the chance to check who it was that was on the other end of the line, she may not have wished to speak to them. But no, she has no choice. She heaves a deep sigh before putting the phone to her ear, immediately regretting how close she pressed it against her head.

“Hey! Yeri! Hello? Are you there?”

“Wendy. I’m here. You don’t need to shout, you know?”

A short laugh can be barely heard before Wendy once again bursts Yeri’s eardrums.

“I’m not shouting! There’s just an echo in my bedroom. Anyway, that’s not important, I have something to tell you!”

“If this is about the place that sells muffins that are also doughnuts again, I don’t want to hear it. I know they’re the best thing you’ve ever had but if I can’t taste them then what’s the point in telling me about it?” Yeri fires back. In Wendy’s words “heavenly food mash-ups that get the Seungwan approval,” is frankly wearing her patience thin.

“No, silly! I just woke up, I haven’t eaten yet, but I got some good news. Are you ready for it?”

“I’m practically on the edge of my seat.” 

That’s the first honest thing Yeri has said to Wendy in weeks during these phone calls that have become a bit of a habit. Her tipsy state has made sitting like a normal human being relatively difficult, it seems. 

“Well, prepare to be blown off it. The label finally got back to me about including the song you wrote for me on my album, they want it to be a bonus track, isn’t that amazing?” 

It takes Yeri a moment to recall what Wendy is talking about. The closest her hands have gotten to completing a full song lately was a poem she wrote on a napkin whilst out for breakfast with a mean hangover. However, it suddenly clicks when Wendy hums the melody, and Yeri realizes she has made a big, huge, major error. 

“Wait, Wendy. You can’t use that song! I don’t want it on your album!” She practically screeches and this time it’s Wendy’s turn to feel a sharp pain in her ears.

“Why? You were so proud of it and you know I love it too, I’ve already recorded and submitted it, I’m not sure they’ll let me take it back now.”

A throbbing sensation settles itself dead center in Yeri’s forehead. There’s absolutely no way of getting out of this one alive. Either Wendy will kill her, or… even worse…

“It’s fine, ignore me. It’s your song Wendy, I’m sure the album will be amazing but I really need to go.” 

Without waiting for Wendy to tell her goodbye, Yeri has already hung up on her and is quickly scrambling to find the right contact hoping to be able to stop what could be a disaster waiting to blow up. The phone rings for several moments before finally a robotic voice reads the age-old script of “this number is unavailable, please try again later.”

For the next thirty minutes, Yeri calls and calls, desperately hoping that on at least one of these occasions she’ll finally hear anything other than a dead end. Pacing the floor of her apartment, she deeply regrets drinking all of her wine earlier. A nice glug would go down well right now to stop her entire body from shaking. 

Just as she’s about to give up and try to sleep this awful situation away, her phone finally rings and there in bold letters lies the person she’s been aiming to speak to. Seulgi.

“Hey, Yeri. I have a bunch of missed calls, what’s going on? Are you okay?” 

The sincere, worried tone to Seulgi’s voice only makes Yeri feel even worse about what she’s about to request of the person she’s been relying on heavily these last few months to help her through the slump she’s fallen into.

“Hey, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, about all the calls I just really need a favor from you.” 

“You called me 216 times for a favor?”

Yeri pulls her phone away to check the number for herself, shocked that it’s even possible to call someone that amount of times in such a short period. But there it is, clear as day. 

“Um… Yeah. It’s kind of important, you see.” 

It isn’t. It’s just a stupid mistake that’s all her fault that she now needs to hope Seulgi will bail her out of without her finding out the real reason behind her request.

“Okay, what’s up? You’re worrying me, kid.” 

“Well, you know Beautiful Love Lost.” 

“Oh, yeah, I was just listening to the final version, funnily enough. The company loves it I even heard some people talking about how they regret letting you go.” 

Things could not get any worse, Yeri thinks.

“Well, I need you to delete it, please.” 

Silence is all that follows her words for a few seconds until finally Seulgi releases a deep exhale. 

“Look, Yeri. I know you’ve been kind of down lately with things not working out at the label. But once this gets released, they’ll see that you’re the most talented person they have there. I promise you, you don’t need to doubt yourself.”

Things did get worse. 

“It’s not that, I just think it’s too personal, I don’t want you to release it.” A lie, the biggest lie she’s ever told to Seulgi.

“I don’t understand… You were happy for me to have this and now… you’re not?”

“Yes, exactly. Now I’m not. I don’t want people to read too much into it and think they know me.” 

She doesn’t speak, but Yeri can tell that Seulgi is taking in everything she’s saying to her and trying her best to digest it all. Even to her own ears, the words don’t quite make sense, nor do they feel truthful. Seulgi has always had a way of reading between the lines and Yeri knows she’s doing exactly that now, she knows that Seulgi knows this isn’t the real reason she doesn’t want her to release the song. However, she surprisingly doesn’t question it.

“Fine, I won’t use it. But you owe me another song and fast. The album is due out on the 16th but I have four more days to resubmit anything I’m not happy with.” 

“Yes. You know you’re my favorite person, right Seul?”

“Sure kid,” The doubt clear in her tone. “But I mean it. Four days or I can’t do anything for you. I’ll have to use one of the SM producer’s songs.”

“I will, I promise.” 

They say their goodbyes to one another with Yeri breathing a deep sigh of relief she had been holding during the entire call. However, the anxiety rises in her chest once more with the realization that Seulgi, despite her stubbornness on the subject of Wendy, will probably listen to her solo project even if it’s just to be overly and falsely critical. 

Her mind goes into overdrive with worry about just how Seulgi will react. Will she bring her death slowly? Or will she simply ignore her existence as she has done with the rest of their former members? 

Before the fear consumes her completely, however, several messages from Wendy appear in the notification bar of her phone. 

**00:13 AM [Wendy]**

_ It’s fine Yeri, I won’t use the song if you don’t want me to. I know this is personal for you. _

_ I hope you release it one day instead. I miss hearing you sing.  _

_ Don’t forget though, the album is out on the 15th. You better listen to it! _

The only feeling Yeri is capable of at this moment is relief, however, had she took the chance to pay attention to what Wendy had said, she’d realize that another disaster was still steaming ahead on two different tracks ready to collide on the same day as each other for her two friends.


	5. Dreams

**April 15th, 2022. 13:42 AM. Los Angeles.**

California sunshine, there’s nothing like it. Sure, it all beams down from the same star no matter where you are in the world. But there’s something different about the atmosphere. People don’t care here if you’re parading around in a cropped shirt that shows off more skin than you’d usually be comfortable with. They are too wrapped up in their own socially driven lives to bother you in passing unless they recognize you. Then it’s time to whip out the phone to selfie mode in hopes it gains them a few extra likes than usual. Wendy doesn’t mind, it’s only happened twice, but she’s accepted it as part of the package.

When people say Los Angeles is the city of dreams, they mean it. That’s mainly why she finds herself strolling down the busy street with boutique clothing stores galore and people riding around on skateboards, enjoying their lives however they wish to do so. The freedom to explore your dreams in the place that either makes you or breaks you being all too tempting. But, Wendy is determined to be one of the few souls that soar and reach the goal they set out to achieve when they arrived here, rather than let the city suck her dry and toss her aside as it has done to many others.

It’s been eight months since she packed up her things and moved here. Many of her friends back in Korea told her she’d regret it or that she’d be better off staying and never trying to break into the music scene in the US, but Wendy has always been a free spirit, unable to follow what could be the safe path and instead aiming for what she truly wants. That’s how she ended up in Red Velvet. She could have stayed in Canada all of those years ago, become a doctor or a lawyer, but she knew it wouldn’t have fulfilled her. 

Singing just comes naturally. Without music, she’d be a shell of a person and definitely not in the position she finds herself in today. 

After working non-stop for what feels like forever, sleeping in the studio rather than her fancy apartment she paid more for than she’d like to admit, and refusing to acknowledge the outside world, today is the day. Today, the world has been invited to listen to her first full album. Some last-minute changes to cater to Yeri suddenly backing out of appearing as a song-writer and producer were a little stressful to deal with, but luckily her team eventually agreed to remove the song. Though, if you ask them, being subjected to the torture of a grumpy Wendy who they’d grown used to being bright and fun is something no one should have to deal with, ever.

Before every release with Red Velvet, all the girls would have their own individual ways of preparing for it and calming their nerves. However, being alone now means Wendy can no longer practice hers, which was to focus on everyone else to distract herself from her own thoughts. Thus, the impromptu walk through the blistering streets and people watching is the only thing that feels appropriate. It also stops her from worrying about no one buying it and her hard work going to waste. 

She misses four faces specifically whilst wandering. 

“Oh my god, Wendy?” A shrill voice yells from behind her but before she’s even turned a full 180 degrees, arms are around her neck and wrapping her up into a crushing hug. “It is you, it’s been so long!” 

Had it been anyone else or had she been unable to recognize the voice, it’s very possible that the random strangers passing by would have been instructed to call the police immediately. Thankfully, it’s not someone trying to attack her, well, unless you count affection as an attack, Wendy doesn’t. 

“Tiffany, hey! It’s been forever.” She chokes out, arms still around her throat, making it difficult to speak. 

No one bats an eyelid at the two girls admiring each other mere inches away from each other, though it feels like someone should be there to capture the moment, at least for fans to gush about. Wendy takes a moment to look at Tiffany. Her skin appears to be glowing more than the last time she’d caught up with her. She looks healthy… happy. It’s a breath of fresh air to see someone from her world here alongside her and not seemingly a broken shell of a person. 

“You look amazing, wow! What are you doing here?” Tiffany asks, her voice still far too loud for a conversation in the middle of a busy street, not that Wendy minds.

“I live here now.” She replies bluntly, though, her conscious reminds her for a split second that even though neither of them is in Korea anymore, Tiffany is still a senior to her. Her tone softens naturally before continuing. “I came here after… well, you know.” 

Tiffany nods in understanding, though her eyes show sadness for a split second. There’s no need for either of them to discuss the split of her group, Tiffany herself understands what it’s like to be apart from the very people you spent a huge portion of your life alongside.

“So, what are you up to?” The lack of words between them both makes Wendy blurt out, also, so Tiffany can stop looking at her so pitifully. “I’m on my way to grab a coffee if you want to join me? Catch-up?”

Though it was presented as a question and is a heat of the moment change of plans from what she was doing which was nothing, in particular, Wendy is grateful for this distraction that Tiffany has given her without knowing she has. 

In the blink of an eye, Tiffany has linked their arms together and is dragging her halfway down the street to what she assures her is by far the best place for something way better than coffee.

When they arrive outside of an organic pop-up store that only serves vegan food and uses all non-dairy products, Wendy isn’t surprised. She’s read reviews about this kind of place lately, though she’s never ventured to any of them, deciding that the hype about buckwheat tea and the likes can’t be real. However, she’s been roped into this now and has no choice but to try something once they reach the counter.

“I’ve never been here before, what do you recommend?” She aims toward Tiffany, however, it gains the attention of the young woman stood near the till waiting patiently to take their order.

“The watermelon lemonade is popular, miss.” The girl whose nametag reads Olivia responds. 

Her face is trying its best to put on a smile, though, Wendy summarizes quickly that Olivia does not have an accent that sounds like she’s from California originally, likely moved here to be an actress and just never received an opportunity to do so. Thus, she’s stuck putting on a different act, pretending to be enthusiastic about serving drinks to people that will “cleanse” them. To put politely.

“I guess I’ll go for that then.” Both Wendy and Tiffany offer her a smile before she darts off to prepare their drinks.

Tiffany tries to pay. Wendy won’t let her. They both try their best to be stubborn about it, however, Wendy somehow wins this round and thanks the heavens that Olivia is a lot better at her job than she expected as no sooner does she leave to make their order, she returns with two recyclable cups in tow. They sit outside and drink what Wendy reluctantly admits is a delicious watermelon lemonade whilst getting re-acquainted with one another. 

Small talk is all that they engage in at first. Politely asking about each other’s families, if they’ve been up to anything special lately. Wendy doesn’t mention the album release, she’s not sure why. Tiffany tells her about how she will be on tour soon and how Wendy should come to one of her shows so they can sing together. Wendy agrees. The mood turns rather solemn when they reminisce on how young they both were when they first began their careers and everything they’ve been through in the music industry.

“Do you like it here?” Tiffany’s voice is soft and her face serious, something that Wendy is unsure she’s ever seen from her before.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s nothing like what I’m used to but that’s a good thing,” Wendy answers, surprised by her own honesty. “It’s nice to not feel judged and that it’s okay if I make a mistake. If I mess up something here, people don’t seem to mind so long as I’m willing to learn from it. It’s not like that… there.” Wendy wants to say home, but she’s not sure if she can call it home for either of them anymore.

“I know what you mean. There’s a lot more freedom out here.” 

A comfortable silence falls between them, both pondering all the times they’d gotten on the bad side of people for whatever reason, big or small. Both being grateful that they still made it here, whilst some others are less fortunate.

Tiffany pulls out her phone to check the time, standing to place her cup in the recycling bin before turning back to Wendy, a lopsided smile on her face.

“Give me your number, I have somewhere I need to be but we should hang out again soon.” 

Wendy obliges, it’d be nice to have a friend here. Someone who understands her. She finishes typing in her number and hands the device back to Tiffany who has pulled sunglasses with a huge frame out of thin air seemingly to place on her face.

“Hey, I know that things may seem a lot better here, and… they can be. But just keep your guard up. The music business is shady everywhere, it doesn’t matter where you are.” Tiffany gently rubs a hand down Wendy’s arm as she speaks. It's not as comforting as she probably believes it is. Whilst she doesn’t say whether she’s speaking from personal experience, Wendy assumes so and appreciates the advice.

"I will, thank you. Let's meet up soon!"

Tiffany turns on her heels to strut back down the street they walked down to get the juice that Wendy realizes now has made her nausea even worse. She watches her for a few steps before she turns back in place to holler in her booming voice that is way more fitting than the serious one just seconds ago.

“Congratulations on the album too.” 

Wendy is stuck in place, jaw agape with confusion. Though she's happy that they didn't end up talking about it, she's slightly worried about how Tiffany knows about it without her mentioning it at all during their catch-up.

“How did y-” Wendy tries to ask but is cut off by an already leaving Tiffany who throws her a response over her shoulder.

“Check the charts, Seungwan.”


	6. Solo

**April 17th, 2022. 16:31 PM. Seoul.**

“Just look for the red light, Seulgi.” 

“Make sure the dancers know where they need to be and at what time, the show waits for no one.” 

“Your performance is last, we want people to anticipate it.” 

Despite being an idol for the last eight years, these moments of being shown everything she already knows from years previously never fails to bring about the same gut-wrenching anxiety that was felt the first time she stepped onstage. However, today is not the day to reflect on the past. Instead, it’s to focus on the future, her sole future that will either be made or broken by this very performance that has been in the works for months now. 

The many staff running around triple checking that everything is fine doesn’t come close to the amount of checks Seulgi has done herself, however, it feels good to have so many people concerned over her and her only. Plus, the honor of performing last which is usually reserved for big seniors for her solo debut feels like a fever dream. Whilst she does feel like a senior amongst all of these lively young groups who have sprung up within the last year, it feels weird to still hold that position without four others to bear the weight of it. 

“Seulgi!” A high pitched squeal echoes from somewhere beyond a huddle of members from a boy group. “Seulgi, over here!” 

Trying to find the location of the voice is seemingly impossible, however, finally a body snakes it’s way past everyone else and clutches to her own in a tight hug. A tight hug that she did not ask to receive, but is grateful for nonetheless. 

“I can’t wait to see you perform!” Mijoo, formerly of the girl-group Lovelyz who also debuted as a solo artist just the week before half-yells, half-screeches for everyone around them to hear. “You look amazing, I was just watching your music video backstage, are you nervous? I was freaking out!” 

Seulgi was more than nervous, she was terrified. However, feeling everyone’s eyes on her with how loud Mijoo decided to share their conversation, she decides it’s probably best to feign calmness to maintain what she believes is the cool image that juniors see her as. 

“Thank you, I’m fine,” 

The words don’t sound convincing to her own ears, so she knows that Mijoo definitely doesn’t believe it either, however, neither of them gets the chance to discuss it further as the production staff quickly asks everyone to shuffle off stage so the show can start. Seulgi takes this as an opportunity to dart out of everyone else’s sight for some alone time to prepare herself before her performance. 

The small changing room, one she’s been granted to use alone rather than sharing like some of the other groups or artists present feels even more lonely than she imagined. The white walls drab and lacking any form of life or proof that other people have used it prior to her. 

Memories begin to creep into her mind once more, except this time they materialize mentally before her. Joy and Yeri joking about funny pictures they’ve taken of each other in one corner of the room, close to drowning out the sound of Wendy doing vocal warm-ups. Then Irene, sitting alone and fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously but never talking about her worries with them. 

What’s worse is that she can see herself amongst each of them too. Partaking in being the butt of the jokes. Warming up also. Sitting in silence. She has been all of these things at one point or another with each of her former members, the only difference now is that those memories don’t make her heart feel full, instead it stings greatly. 

She shakes off the recollection and focuses on running through her debut song once more. The melody is playing through her headphones is enough of a distraction, the last thing she wants is to be feeling depressed before her debut showcase that SM surprisingly managed to push the boat out for and make an effort. A lot is riding on her success, though, the fans seem to be making a good job of that so far. 

Achieving a perfect all-kill felt almost impossible when the prospect of her solo came about, and even more so when Wendy blatantly tried to sabotage it, she thinks. However, it appears as though karma was on her side in this instance as Wendy sits on the number two spot, though, it was a very close race. There’s a congratulations text from her now rival and former friend that remains unopened in her notifications. It’ll stay that way is all Seulgi thinks whenever she sees it there, not willing to remove it just yet so she can continue to internally gloat to herself. 

“Seulgi, they’re ready to record your interview segment, let’s go!” Her manager bellows into the room but disappears in a flash. Good thing she knows where to go by herself. 

The three emcees for today, all of them from newly debuted groups that Seulgi has no interest in nor does she even recall their names all stand around dawdling as she heads toward them. They bow, deeply. She doesn’t. 

“Let’s get this over with.” She mutters. 

Someone from behind the scenes hands her a microphone and hurries out of the shot. The camera begins rolling and the three drones introduce themselves and then her. A fake grin replaces her resting disinterested face once they move out of her way. 

They go through the introduction of her song and let her explain the general feel of it as well as a quick mention of what shooting the music video was like. She wishes all of her fans well and tells them she hopes they’re all enjoying the album. But then, the inevitable happens.

“Are any of the other members of Red Velvet supporting you? Or are you supporting Wendy also?” The brown-haired man-child whose name she still can’t for the life of her recall despite him only introducing himself a few moments prior speaks, though, she wishes he hadn’t. 

“Ah, yes we are supporting each other well, thank you.” Yet again, her words are unconvincing to her own ears and a quick glance over to her manager shows him wincing uncomfortably. She decides a lie may help in smoothing things out, but it only makes matters worse. “I congratulated Wendy on achieving number two behind me just earlier.” 

After the disbandment, her former members decided for her that when asked, they would show a united front even if things become hazy or difficult between them so as not to upset their fans any more than they already are. The message was sent to their former group-chat, however, she never agreed nor bothered to give it a response. She’s sure that this display has just gone against that choice and likely will cause fans to try and decipher what she truly meant in her statement, however, to say that Seulgi doesn’t care would be an understatement. 

Once the interview is wrapped up, the manager shuffling around to the side of the room doesn’t hesitate to drag Seulgi away and back toward that lonely dressing room once more.

“Why did you say that? Do you want to upset people?” He huffs out angrily. “So many people have worked hard for you to even be here today, why are you trying to mess it up?” 

A short chuckle escapes her mouth without even thinking about it. 

“I have worked hard for this moment too. I answered their question how I felt I should, let it go.” 

He storms out of the room instead of granting her a response, steam practically beaming from his ears. 

The rest of her wait time before finally being called to the stage is a blur. Between practicing the choreography mindlessly, zoning out at nothing, and listening to the other performances going on, there isn’t much time to focus on anything else but making sure she’s perfectly ready for this very moment. 

Lighting on the stage is at a bare minimum once she steps into place. There’s someone counting down within her in-ear until finally the first beat pulses through her ear-drum louder than usual. A few fans begin to chant her name rhythmically along with the intro. Her only thoughts being that nothing else in the world could possibly beat this feeling of adrenaline currently making her veins feel as if they’re ready to burst out of her body. 

The words flow out of her throat excitedly, her limbs move with precision and she hits all of the cameras right en queue as they switch between angles. The backing dancers do a good job of filling up the extra space behind her, something that is prominent in her mind for only a second until she has to face one of them for a section that requires a partner and instead of seeing the female dancers face, she sees Irene’s. 

It’s a momentary lapse in concentration and yet, her facial expression is incapable of hiding that she’s just spooked herself into believing that her former leader was by her side when she’s many miles away instead. 

Luckily, the remainder of the performance flows along without issue. But that doesn’t stop her from receiving yet another ear-full of questions about whether she’s trying to blow her own debut the second she’s off-stage. 

Truth be told, Seulgi has no idea what is going on with herself lately. However, she doesn’t have time for a self-reflection session as everyone is expected back on stage whilst they announce the winner. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Mijoo had once again managed to find her stood at the front of the crowd of people. “You looked kind of out of it there.” 

“I’m okay, thanks. Just excited and got a little lost but I’m fine.” 

Right as she finishes her sentence, the annoying emcee from earlier announces Mijoo as the winner for today’s show which comes as no surprise. She’s been on a tear since last week, though, Seulgi secretly hopes that this one is her last win and that the trophies end up in her own hands from now on. 

As everyone exits the stage to let Mijoo give her closing performance, her phone vibrates in her pocket. 

**20:57 [Wendy]**

_ We should talk, Seulgi. I can see you’re not happy.  _

Whilst that may very well be true, once again, she ignores the text. Her fingers glide to the contact where an image of her alongside Wendy sits at the top of it, her thumb hovers lower toward the block option and gently presses it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello readers! 
> 
> this fic initially began over on my tumblr, but i decided to move it here along with a select few of my other works. you can find my writing blog [here](http://twiceblackvelvet.tumblr.com/) as well as my personal [here](http://sooyeonjungs.tumblr.com/) if you have any questions about anything! 
> 
> thank you for reading!


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